As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Originally posted by Nuke Nixon
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a
log. " My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a
bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
There was this guy, not exactly smart, with a bit of a mean streak. He liked to throw things off of overpasses and smash car windshields.
One day, he got sick of having to carry a bunch of bricks and rocks to throw; so he had a bright idea. He tied a rope around a brick. This worked out great!
He would wait for a big rig (they were his favorite,) then he would toss the brick, shatter the windshield and bring it back up to wait for the next one.
This old school one came up, one of the types with the bar in the middle of the glass, he wrapped the rope around his hand, tossed the brick and waited for the impact. Well, it impacted. The brick went through the windshield, wrapped around the center bar, and the truck didn't stop fast enough. With the one end of the rope attached to the truck, and the other attached to the idiot with a mean streak, it ripped his arm right out of the socket, poor bastard.
After all of that, the damned courts charged the truck driver with assault... and arm robbery.