So i heard this joke..,.

How is life like a penis?
A woman makes it hard.

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

What should you do if you come across an elephant?
Apologize and wipe it off.

What happens at the speed of light.
You lose weight.
Why is this funny. Because it only takes 8 min. for light to reach us but every 7 mins to the fridgerator can tempt people for some reason.

I saw a clown swallow a balloon only it wasn't in it's mouth.

I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB AT THE BANK TODAY.
An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

So this Polar Bear walks into a bar.

Bartender goes "Hey there boss, what can I get ya?"

And the polar bear goes

'I'll have a.......................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................
......................................................................

........beer."

And the bartender goes "Woah...what's with the big pause?"

And the Polar Bear says "Dude...I'm a polar bear."

What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

A ham sammich walks into a bar.
Bartender says: “we dont serve food here”.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

Hubby comes home and sees wifey with another man in bed, and says to wife "I am going to get my gun and shoot my self in the head and then shoot you in the head", wife looks over at other man and says
"I told you he was stupid".

What happens when the fog lifts in California?
UCLA.