Fortunately/Unfortunately

Unfortunetly the cheese gets clogged in the kidney.

fortunetly the kidney is put back into the body

Unfortunately your kidney has seen too much action and is fed up with life and kills itself.

unfortunatly the doctor slips and accidently installs a dinosaur bone in the body and not the kidney.

fortunaltly you don't reject the dinosaur bone in your body

unfortuanately the neighbor's dog can sense the bone inside of ya an' chase ya around

Fortunetly the dog gets smashed by a garbage truck and stops chasing you.

Unfortunately now the dog's family want to kill you for 'leading' the dog in front of the garbage truck

fortunatly I am merely an illusion.

unfortunately you are an illusion that can be hurt

(why do I always have to end up getting beat up or hurt?)

Fortuneatly I get hurt and almost die in a puddle of my own fecal matter.

(I dunno...bad luck?)

Unfortunately your obessed ex-girlfriend found ya an' said she's 'pregant' with your child [think Fatel Attractions]

fortuneatly she's not really pregnant, she just got fat since the last time I saw her sorry mug and she says she's pregnant, but really she's just a porker.

unfortunately she found out ya thought she was fat an' keyed your car

fortunately you work for Maaco and get to fix it for free

sorry about this one🙁

unfortunately the repair man is a zombie and wants to eat your brains

fortunately ya carry around a whole bunch of salt

unfortunately a herd of deer trample you to get the salt

fortunately they also trampled on the zombie