Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Maybe its the beer talkin..but you've got a butt that wont quit
''Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.''
[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot.
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I-
[passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife
Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary show! Featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on "wowie sauce"!
Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a
[beep]
Marge: Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend...
Patty: But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something DISTURBING.
[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]
Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.
Bart: Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.
Marge: Now, now he's an EX-convict. He's paid his debt to society.
Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?
Marge: I'm just not.
Homer: [reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime?
[mispronouncing gym]
Homer: what's a gime?
Homer: [upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime*
Marge: [loveingly] Oh Monty! You're the devil himself
Mr. Burns: [shouting] Who told yo-
[realises]
Mr. Burns: oh, and I would say you are an angel, but angels don't dance that well
Homer: Take that, Lisa's beliefs!
Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!
Mr. Burns: [Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.
Homer: [trying to write a song, Homer is inspired by a "Baby on Board" car sign] Hmmm, Baby on Board. Baby on Board, something something Burt Ward... this thing writes itself!
Smithers: [holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!
Smithers: But sir, it's just a mod...
Mr. Burns: [takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."
Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
Nerd #1: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
Nerd #2: Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Snake: Oh, I can't believe that worked!
[runs away]
Homer: Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector...
[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]
Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.
[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out. What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
Jimbo Jones: Hey look. Milhouse has an earring.
[everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness]
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out.
[singing and dancing]
Bart: Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man. Shake your body turn it out if you can, can. Do the Bart, Man, yeah.
Ralph: That is so 1991.
[Bart has had his ear pierced]
Lisa: An earring, how rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.
Homer: But Marge. You being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back.
Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...
Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.
[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie..."Extra cheese?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?
Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I've ever heard.
[a man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!
Nelson: I feel like such a tool.
[Marge gets her first unemployment check]
Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook.
George Bush: Don't worry, it gets easier every week.
Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
[laughs]
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."
Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey.
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.
Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh!
Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad. You did it.
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...
Lisa: Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life?
Marge: Who cut my brakes?
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.
Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
Homer: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.
Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in
your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar.
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend.
Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.
[after seeing Bart's photo of Homer with princess Kashmir]
Homer: [to Bart] Why, you little...!
[chokes Bart]
Marge: Why, you big...!
[chokes Homer]
Homer: Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!
Scratchy: Hey you're beautiful.
Marge: Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.
Scratchy: [grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!
Moe: [Answering phone] Moe's tavern.
Bart: Yeah, is Al there?
Moe: Al? Al who?
Bart: Al Coholic
Moe: Just a minute;
[to the bar patrons]
Moe: is there an Al Coholic here? Al Coholic! Anybody here know an Al Coholic?
Lisa: Chief Wiggums... Don't... Eat... The... Clues. Burns's suit... Look.
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: Burns's suit. Look.
Chief Wiggum: What?
Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.
Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
Lisa: Look at Burns's suit. Sheesh.
Bart: Hey McBain! I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked.
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: I know. There were script problems from day one.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah I'll say. MAGIC TICKET MY ASS MCBAIN!
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Maria! My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be at the bar.