A joke a day, keeps the wacko away

A new monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.
He notices that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this; he points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that the error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him.
Eventually one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him and hears
sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the head monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the
reply..............

"The word is celebrate."

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues well into the night...............

and I know that one because it happened in Holland...

Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

'David,' he says,'I'm worried about your performance the last few games.
You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a
few problems at home.'

'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and
Brooklyn okay?'

'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really
bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my
football and it's really messing me up.'

'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

'Well, boss', says David, it's pretty serious. You see I'm really stuck
on this jigsaw and...'

'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're f......g up every time you play
because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'

'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head in!'
says David in that horrible whining voice. 'It's really hard and it's this
picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the box and I'm sure I've got
all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my
head in and I even had my hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'

'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip. It's
affecting our games and nothing is as important as Manchester Uniteds'
success, other than Roy Keane's wages, obviously.'

'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and it looks
really good on the box and I really want to finish it but it's really hard
and it's doing my head in and it's this picture..and it's a tiger and it's
hard...and I can't make the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss
and, er, it's a tiger, er,... on the box ... er...boss.'

Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating himself and
has got nothing else to say which took a bit longer than usual. 'David,' he
says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile he uses for
self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring the tiger jigsaw in and
let's have a look at it. For Christ's sake, we've got to get you back to
playing football.'

'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos it's
really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing my head in, that
tiger is.' So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office. 'Here it is,
boss.' He says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box. 'Look, boss, it's
this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just
can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this
picture here of a tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box
all over Ferguson's desk.

'David.................... put the f*...g Frosties back in the box!'

😂 😂 , that's the best laugh of the day

😆 🙄 😂 😕

What did the blonde say to the Nuclear physicists?
I like nuclear fission too what bait do you use. 😘
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it. 😄

An american goes to alaska and goes to an inuit bar he asks the barkeeper "I want to become an Inuit how can I do that?" The barkeeper answers " you have to do three things first you have to kill a polar bear, then you have to drink a gallon of hard inuit whisky, then you have to sleep with an inuit woman." The man thinks well I'm in a bar I might as well drink that whisky. So he drinks the whisky he leaves the bar and comes back in about an hour He is in really bad condition with gashes on face, legs,everywhere he goes up to the barkeeper and asks "So where's that Inuit woman I have to kill."

😂 😂

Good one !

The Old Dilapidated Boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is
unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact
that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries
of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the
morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's
embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed.

Little boy blue..
He needed the money 😆

One day, a man and his daughter were walking down the street when
they see a dog lying on the ground with its feet up in the air.
The dog was obviously dead. The little girl turned to her father
and asked what was wrong with the dog. Her father replied, "The
dog is dead, his feet are up in the air so that the good Lord can
come down and take the dog to heaven."
The next day when the dad came home from work, his daughter came
running up to him and told him that Mommy had almost died! To
this he replied, "How do you know that sweetie?"
She said, "Well, she was laying on the couch with her legs up in
the air screaming 'Oh Lord, I'm coming' and if it weren't for the
mailman the Lord would have come and took her up to heaven!"

Pete had to do a school project on how democracy worked. So he asked his dad for some help.
"Dad, how does democracy work?"
"Well, son. Let's use our family as a comparison. There's the executive branch, congress, the people, the working class, and the future. I'm the executive, your mother's congress, you're the people, our maid is the working class, and your little brother is the future. Do you see now?"
Pete didn't really but said, "yes, dad"
That night Pete woke up to his baby brother crying. He walked in to his nursery and found that his brother had soiled himself. He went to his mother's room but he could not wak her. So he went to the maid's room. The door was locked so he looked through the keyhole. His father was in bed having sex with the maid. Pete gave up and went back to bed. The next morning Pete went up to his father and said "I think I get what you said about democracy yesterday. The executive branch screws the working class while congress sleeps and the people are ignored and the future is full of shit."

A russian agent was working undercover in America.One day two big guys in black costumes and black glasses came to his door , forced him into their car and drove him to CIA headquarters.
-Mister Ivan we know u are a russian agent and that u are spying but we have a proposal for u:we want u to turn into one of ours.Of course we offer good protection for ur family ,money ,cars etc!
Ivan wasn't saying anything
-I understand it's a rough decision but u must decide now!
Ivan was just sitting there.
-It appears i haven't made myself clear!Get him boys!
What's next is a good beating with broken ribs and nose etc
-So mister Ivan?
Ivan wasn't saying a word.
After 2 weeks of similar "behaviour" with even improved torture the americans couldn't get a word from him!
-Let him go,said the chief, this man has Russia tatooed on his heart!
Back in Russia Ivan is welcomed home as a hero.He is being named General ,becomes the chief of Russian spies .
After 2 years the old Ivan is being invited to assist to a new promotion of spies and to say a few words to them to encourage them.
-Comrade Ivan share with the cadets a few wise advices from your wide experience.
Ivan looks at the cadets and says with a parental look:
-Cadets!If u want to avoid what happend to me...Learn some f**c**g english first!!!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind oflanguage in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing withhis train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen."

😆 😆 😆
You're killin' me Corran...

The jokes do seem to be working, the Wacko has been gone for a while now - now wait he's just on Holiday.

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait,I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

😆 😆 😆