A joke a day, keeps the wacko away

Oo nearly forgot.

When her five-year-old daughter began asking questions about the facts of life, the mother carefully explained how babies were made. For everal days, the child went over this fascinating new material with her mother.

"So the sperm from Daddy fertilizes the ovum from Mommy and the baby is carried in Mommy's tummy."

"That's right, honey" her mother said.

"But how does the sperm get there?" she asked. "Does Mommy swallow it?"

"If Mommy wants a new cocktail dress, she does," came the reply.

I take Corran is away now?

okie

Originally posted by Corran
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

*starts pressing buttons* 1 1 1 1 1 1; can some1 lease press 2 for me??;3, 4, 5, 6;7;9696969696969; 8...i may have a problem...i dont kno my name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number or my mothers maiden name 🙁 ;*slowly pushes the buttons*0...0...0;ok..one more question...wat was the button for short-term memory loss..i forgot...

3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.

The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?"

The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?"

The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here.

The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "

The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?"

The Great Dane says, "No, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

hmm

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.

She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette.

The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BUL

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"
"That would suit me just fine!!" the man said.
Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

😄

A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.

"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing `The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's `What's new, pussy cat?' It's _so_ embarrassing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"

The doctor, finishing his notes, looked up from his clipboard and replied, "Yes, it would appear that you have the early symptoms of `Tom Jones syndrome.'"

"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.

Replied the doctor, "It's not unusual....."

Why are Pizza Delivery men and Gynecologists the worst professions in the world?

They can smell it but they cannot taste it.

😛

hmmm
maybe

ermmmmmm 😮 🙄 😛 😱 😘

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man glares at the young punk for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son.

lol..yeah..good one

not bad 🙂

But not necessarily good either.

I didn't say it was good 🙂

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.