A joke a day, keeps the wacko away

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh* it out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his as*s.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did ! not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall & smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much!?" "No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can't!", "Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, & in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead & give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"

lol

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up_ to the counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job" The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing._ We've just got a_ listing from a very wealthy_ man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes,uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays.
The salary package is £200,000 a year"

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me"

The man behind the counter said "Well, you started it"

Bit of a UK-centric joke, that one...

uh... huh...

But very funny, especially when you come from over the water.

it is soooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooolllllllldddddddddddddd 🙄

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

😄 always an excuse from the females 😱 😉

hey! 😠

Originally posted by finti
😄 always an excuse from the females 😱 😉

me neither on that department, but when you ask if it is alright for you to head to the pub. Then they come up with a lot of excuses for things that should keep you away from the pub. Even if you gave notice two weeks in advance. Like they come up with things for me to do right when I am clean shaved and ready to hit town to watch the footie on the tube 😠 😠

Closing this anyway. We make a clean start. Start another joke thread if you want.