I forgot yesterday so here's yesterdays:-
A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Jones' daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Jones."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Jones' daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
And today's
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down
Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says:
"Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that
London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits 拢10.00, Shirts 拢4.00, Trousers 拢5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."
Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things
like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that
we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."
Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."
So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop,
where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner, Paddy uses his best Cockney impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un
Flutes', 20 Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."
Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at
Murphy as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"
Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh bejesus. Mary mother of Christ, if
that isn't me best English accent. How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"
The Owner replies: "This is a Dry Cleaners mate"
tried it once
A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender came over and asked "What can I get you to drink, sir"?
The gentleman responded, "Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn't like it, and never tried it again".
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.
The gentleman refused, saying, "I tried smoking once, didn't like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn't be in here at all, except that I'm waiting for my son".
The bartender retorted, "Your only child, I presume"!
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, darn, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air. 'The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'