Translating the Movie...

I forget if we've done this one too. I'm just marching through trying to see what we forgot...

Gibbs : Feast your eyes, Captain. All of them, faithful hands before the mast, every man worth his salt. And crazy to boot.
Translation: They may be worth their salt, but they better keep their hands off the rum.

Will : So this is your able-bodied crew?
Translation: Why do i always look like I have something stuck somewhere?

Jack : You, sailor!
Translation: Why does he always look like he has something stuck somewhere?

Gibbs : Cotton, sir.
Translation: Cotton, the fabric of our lives... Oh wait, is this before all the slaves worked in the cotton fields?

Jack : Mr. Cotton ? do you have the courage and fortitude to follow orders and stay true in the face of danger and almost certain death? Mr. Cotton ! Answer, man!
Translation: Mr. Cotton, do you have the extremely rare ability to translate a word I'm saying to you? Do you have a wish to die a young and painful death sailing on my ship when its almost certain you'll never get a reward?

Gibbs : He's a mute, sir. Poor devil had his tongue cut out, so he trained the parrot to talk for him. No one?s yet figured how.
Translation: Long story short, he dumped Beckett, Beckett got pissed, bounty hunters were involved, and the tongue is now in Beckett's letter drawer.

Jack : Mr. Cotton 's... parrot. Same question.
Translation: Its odd, but I find it easier to talk to animals. OH NO WAIT! Thats what the eunuch would say...

Parrot: Wind in the sails! Wind in the sails!
Translation: Nobody lives forever!

Gibbs : Mostly, we figure, that means yes.'
Translation: I told you they were crazy, but did I mention suicidal?

Jack : Of course it does. [to Will ] Satisfied?
Translation: And knowing you, it shouldnt take a lot to satisfy you, considering...

Will : Well, youve proved theyre mad.
Translation: Elizabeth might pick any one of them over me.

Anamaria: And whats the benefit for us?
Translation: I'm the president of the TPU, the Tortuga Pirate Union. We demand rum and Jack loving every eight hours.

Jack : [comes over to the voice and takes off the sailors hat, revealing a woman] Anamaria.
Translation: These wenches just won't leave me alone!

Anamaria slaps Jack
Translation: How have you been?

Will : I suppose you didnt deserve that one either.
Translation: Dude, I thought you were just a player. But you sure proved me wrong. You've got this down to an art!

Jack : No, that one I deserved.
Translation: Considering I wrapped her up and sent her to Beckett as a Christmas present once.

Anamaria: You stole my boat!
Translation: AND my eyeliner. Oh, and Keith Richards wants his hair back.

Jack : Actually - [she slaps him again] borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back to you.
Translation: The whole Beckett thing--- it was just a joke. And you can tell Keith that if he wants his hair back, he'll have to find a way into the movie to get it!

Anamaria: But you didn?t!
Translation: Beckett dressed me up like a reindeer. I still have nightmares about it.

Jack : You?ll get another one.
Translation: He didnt dress you up like a Christmas Tree? Gee, i thought that was his trademark.

Anamaria: [points her forefinger at him] I will.
Translation: No, but I saw pictures of YOU dressed up like a christmas tree. You look surprisingly good in twinkle lights.

Will: A better one.
Translation: Oh my gosh... I bet Jack was planning on wrapping me up and sending me to Barbossa for Christmas...

Jack : A better one!
Translation: Damn, why didn't I think of that?

Will: That one. [points to the Interceptor]
Translation: If it's the last thing I do, I will TP this man's cabin.

Jack : What one? That one?! Aye, that one. What say you?
Translation: Try and you die, Turner. As I remember, the orinthologist William Turner died when a small but determined sparrow pecked his eyes out.

Crew: Aye!
Translation: Not enough to get us in the credits, but enough to force us to pay dues to SAG.

Cottons Parrot: Anchors aweigh.
Translation: Actually, having no tongue makes brushing ones rotting teeth a lot easier.

Gibbs : No, no, no, no, no, it?s frightful bad luck to bring a woman aboard, sir.
Translation: Listen Jack. We've been through this. If YOU are going to bring a lady on board, you have to bring enough for the whole crew.

Jack : Itd be far worse not to have her.
Translation: Mate, I am not your personal dating service. You want a woman, go kidnap one. Or two or three, while youre at it. Oh, and pick up some rum too. Now if you'll excuse me, I;m going to go eat my banana in peace.

"Jack : What one? That one?! Aye, that one. What say you?
Translation: Try and you die, Turner. As I remember, the orinthologist William Turner died when a small but determined sparrow pecked his eyes out."

Haunting, yet hysterically funny! 😱 💃

hmmm what other scenes are left?

Jack: ....and then they made me their chief.
Translation: Taking candy from a baby.

Norrington: Elizabeth? Elizabeth! My God!
Translation: Looks like I took your breath away. ha ha ha, I kill myself.

Jack: Will you be saving her then?
Translation: Because I have an itch arguing with you just isn't going to scratch.

Mullroy: I can't swim.
Translation: Why would I want to touch a wet, unconscious teenage girl?

Jack: Pride of the king's navy you are. Do not lose these.
Translation: And I'm not talking about my effects. Your balls. Don't lose your balls.

(Jack pulls Liz up)

Murtogg: I got her! She's not breathing!
Translation: I think I might know why you would want to touch a wet, unconscious teenage girl.

Jack: Move (cuts her corset)
Translation: And I do! Let me at her. Woof woof!

Murtogg: I never would have thought of that.
Translation: I thought that corset was a body part.

Jack: Clearly you've never been to Singapore.
Translation: Not that you could ever find it...

(Jack and Liz look at each other, he sees medallion)
Jack: Where did you get that?
Translation: The lost medallion AND the girl I'm going to marry. Two birds with one stone.

OH GOSH your killing me that was one of the best yet.... OH GEE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i cant stop laughing....

**the lost medallion AND the girl I'm going to marry...***

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA brilliance

Rofl that was hilarious

Parrot: [singing as they enter a lagoon] Dead men tell no tales.
Translation: Which is why when you mistakenly kill one, you have to get them back and then sleep with them. Its an old pirate tradition.

Gibbs : [the whole crew is looking at the wrecks strewn everywhere in the water] Puts a chill in the bones how many honest sailors have been claimed by this passage.
Translation: Honest sailors, drunken evil pirates, same thing. I just like seeing the eunuch squirm.

Will : [watches as Jack closes the compass when Cotton stares at him too much] How is it that Jack came by that compass?
Translation: Persuasion, probably. I knew I should have read the book he wrote about it. Elizabeth tried to lend it to me and everything.

Gibbs : Not a lots known about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga with a mind to go after the treasure of the Isla de Muerta . That was before I met him, back when he was Captain of the Black Pearl.
Translation: Not a lots told about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga with that hair that was everywhere, screaming infedelity... ahem, anyways, I was just his groupie then.

Will: What? He failed to mention that.
Translation: OH MY GOSH I knew i heard his hair saying something to me!

Gibbs : Well, he plays things closer to the vest now. And a hard-learned lesson it was. See three days out on the venture the first mate comes to him and says everything?s an equal share. That should mean the location of the treasure, too, so Jack gives up the bearings. That night there was a mutiny. They marooned Jack on an island and left him to die but not before he?d gone mad with the heat.
Translation: Luckily for Jack, he tends to get stranded with lovely and available young women. He's buried a store of rum on every island so he's always ready. His motto is: have sex and be merry, for tomorrow we starve.

Will : Ah. So that's the reason for all the? [acts like Jack ]
Translation: I cant believe I just had the audacity to imitate Jack Sparrow. I'm so humiliated...

Gibbs : Reason's got nothing to do with it. Now Will , when a man is marooned he is a given a pistol with a single shot ? one shot. Well it won't do much good hunting or to be rescued. But after three weeks of a starvin? belly and thirst, that pistol will start to look real friendly. But Jack ? he escaped the island, and he still has that one shot. Oh, but he won't use it, though, save for one man. His mutinous first mate.
Translation: This one time, Jack and Barbossa were playing Monopoly, and things got a little out of hand. Its turned into an all-out board game war. Barbossa stole Jack's poker set, and so Jack had to resort to playing Naked Twister with the girls. But Jack is determined to get his poker set back.

Will: Barbossa.
Translation: I'm so smart, I totally figured that one out. I'm actually quite good at Clue.

Gibbs : Aye.
Translation: Um, I told you who it was.

Will : How did Jack get off the island?
Translation: Wait, if Jack always gets stranded with pretty girls and rum, why would he ever want to get off the island?!

Gibbs : Well, I?ll tell ye. He waded out into the shallows and there he waited three days and three nights till all manner of sea creature ?came and acclimated to his presence. And on the fourth morning, he roped himself a couple of sea turtles, lashed ?em together and made a raft.
Translation: So he could come and steal your girl, mate.

Will : He roped a couple of sea turtles?
Translation: Crap.

Gibbs : Aye, sea turtles.
Translation: No competing with Jack Sparrow. Sorry pal.

Will : What did he use for rope?
Translation: His amazingly hot and charismatic personality?

Jack : [ Jack comes up] Human hair?from my back. Let go of the anchor!
Translation: My amazingly hot and charismatic personality.

Crew: Let go of the anchor, sir!
Translation: Well as fun as this has been, I think it's time to lose the eunuch and pick up the damsel in distress.

Jack : Young Mr. Turner and I are to go ashore.
Translation: If he doesnt get eaten by a shark along the way... hee hee...

Gibbs : Captain! What if the worst should happen?
Translation: And if he SHOULD accidentally get eaten by a shark?

Jack : Keep to the code.
Translation: give the shark a scooby snack and my thanks.

Gibbs : Aye, the code.
Translation: I think I may have eaten all the scooby-snacks...

Kate, you made Jack giggle. I would LOVE to see him giggle. It's not beneath him.

LOL Guys awesome posts, as always.

Black Pearl

Gibbs: Let's put some distance between us and this island, and head out to open sea.
Translation: Where there are shark infested waters and its easy to 'accidentally' push someone overboard....not that i dont like the whelp or anything....

Jack Sparrow: Yes to the first, yes to the second, but only insofar as we keep to the shallows as much as possible.
Translation: If we bump off the whelp ill only end up getting the blame...

Gibbs: Uh, that seems a bit contradictory, Captain.
Translation: Awww! Wheres your sense of humour??!

Jack Sparrow: I have every faith in your reconciliatory navigational skills, Master Gibbs, now where is that monkey? I want to shoot something.
Translation: I'd shoot the whelp but his lawyers are standing off shore and they've said if i injure him one more time i have to pay a hefty fine...it wasnt my fault he fell into my sword!!!

[the monkey screeches, drops Ragetti's eye, Ragetti grabs his eye, spits on it, rubs the spit around on it]
Translation: If i had morals i still wouldnt care...

[the monkey chatters and climbs into the rigging]
Translation: If you want me Jack, come and get me!

[Jack is ready to shoot the monkey with his pistol]
Translation: nothing like a bit of monkey business to make my day go faster....

Will Turner: Jack.
Translation: Jack....Jaaaack...ohhh, the name slips off my tongue like silk!

Jack Sparrow: Ah.
Translation: You scare me

Will Turner: Elizabeth is in danger-
Translatiion: From actually getting to the wedding night and finding it was a HUGE disappointement...

Jack Sparrow: Have you considered keeping a more watchful eye on 'er? Maybe just lock her up somewhere.
Translation: And i dont mean chaining her to the bed! You cant force her...and besides; it was my idea and you cant steal it!

Will Turner: She is locked up, in a prison, bound to hang for helping you!
Translation: I couldnt tie her up that would be indescent of me...besides; im not a man im a mouse! If i took a stand for what was mine then i would be totally out of character and people might actually start liking me!

Jack Sparrow: There comes a time when one must take responsibility for one's mistakes.
Translation: Oh you Puff!

[Will pulls a sword from the waistband of a pirate who is turned around, points it at Jack]
Translation:I'd use my own sword but it has 'i love JS' scribed into the handle, and i would DIE if you saw it!

Will Turner: I need that Compass of yours, Jack. I must trade it for her freedom.
Translation: Or sell it on ebay...i hear thats the place to dispose of your unwanted goods these days!

[Jack pushes Will's sword aside]
Translation: Ebay?! Never! Chiki Mina has already sold my best pair of Spongbob underpants on there! The She-Devil!

Jack Sparrow: Mister Gibbs!
Translation: Where is the only gay in the village!!

Gibbs: Cap'n.
Translation: You called?

Jack Sparrow: We have a need to travel upriver.
Translation: ....i have so many dirty things i could make up about that...

Gibbs: By "need," d'you mean a... trifling need, uh, fleeting, as in say in a passing fancy?
Translation: Are you trying to tell me your a 'bum-boy'???

Jack Sparrow: No, a... resolute and unyielding need.
Translation: Dont make me slap you

Will Turner: What we need to do is make sail for Port Royal with all haste.
Translation: If we dont get back to port royal then beckett wont slap my tiny-behind like he promised! Where else am i going to get my big-gay fix ?!

Jack Sparrow: William... I shall trade you the Compass, if you will help me... to find this.
Translation: Whelp...i shall never trade you this compass but i will take the p!ss out of you by making you find something for me and then you can get captured by the motley crew and hopefully you'll never return to the film.....one can only hope!

[shows Will the drawing of the key]
Translation: It looks like someone has drawn a scribble in the middle of the page...obviously someone has rushed the job....

Will Turner: You want me to find this?
Translation: You want me to find this?

Jack Sparrow: No. [You want you to find this. Because the finding this finds you incapacitorially finding and/or locating and your discovering the detecting of a way to save your dolly belle ol'... what's-her-face. Savvy?
Translation: No i want you to sniff it...what the hell do you think i want you to do with it? .....Eunichs! You cant do anything with them!

Will Turner: [holding the drawing] This... is going to save Elizabeth?
Translation: or hopefully i could use it to unlock her chastity belt!

Jack Sparrow: How much do you know about Davy Jones?
Translation: CHASTITY BELT?!?! ... doesnt he know i already picked the lock with my teeth on that god forsaken island....?

Will Turner: [pause] Not much.
Translation: I'm compltely and utterly clueless....

Jack Sparrow: Yeah, it's gonna save Elizabeth.
Translation: Your an idiot...

Hey T. that was really funny 😄

LOL! Gibbs should really say "you called," just like Lurch on The Addams Family. Awesome line there, t.maria.

haha thats hilarious

i love the will bashing! 😄

sorry wrong place 🙁

bash Will! hahaha! even though this isnt the right thread.....

bump. 😉

http://www.the-editing-room.com/?script=pirates2

check it out---- its hilarious. someone else's translation of the film. 🙂

EXT. PORT ROYAL

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY is about to marry ORLANDO BLOOM. Suddenly, TOM HOLLANDER crashes the wedding and arrests them both.

TOM HOLLANDER
I'm a total douchebag, and I've arrested you both so that I have the power to demand you go get a special compass from Johnny Depp.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Rather than treat you like the villain you are and escape, I'll simply comply with your demand like a little *****.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Bizarrely, I'll support this decision, despite the fact that the spitfire I played in the last film would never stand for it.

JONATHAN PRYCE
Even more bizarrely, I will actually be the one to want you to escape.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
And just to make things ultra ridiculous, I'll fight against that and elect instead to stay in jail until Orlando succeeds in being Tom Hollander's little gopher boy.

TOM HOLLANDER
I'm sorry, what's going on? I've been staring at Keira's cleavage for like 10 minutes.

Meanwhile...

INT. THE BLACK PEARL

JOHNNY DEPP appears after an actionless escape sequence that adds basically nothing to the movie except minutes.

KEVIN MCNALLY
The rest of the crew and I are sick of not getting any treasure. Also scurvy.

JOHNNY DEPP
I'm sorry we haven't gotten any treasure, but I've been too busy watching the first movie over and over trying to figure out how I played my character last time.

He is confronted by STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD.

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Arrr. I'm Orlando Bloom's father, I work for Bill Nighy and I have a starfish on my face.
(incomprehensible backstory)
You now have the mark.

JOHNNY DEPP
Oh no, the mark! That means something that I would know if I understood anything you just said!

STELLAN vanishes, because one of the many powers of the starfish is teleportation.

EXT. CARIBBEAN

ORLANDO travels all around the Caribbean looking for JOHNNY. Somehow, this works, and he finds THE BLACK PEARL docked off the coast of some island. ORLANDO is captured by a bunch of CANNIBALS and imprisoned with JOHNNY'S CREW.

KEVIN MCNALLY
To fill you in, we docked here a while ago and we were captured by cannibals. The cannibals fell under the impression that Johnny was their God, because they are Ewoks. Unfortunately, this also means they want to eat him, and they coincidentally picked today to do so.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Wow, what a complex subplot. Seems like the sort of thing that either should have been filmed in its entirety rather than explained in back-exposition or cut altogether.

They ESCAPE by violating the laws of physics. Meanwhile, JOHNNY DEPP turns into WILE E. COYOTE for a little while and also escapes. Everyone gets off the island without gaining anything, making the entire subplot utterly superfluous.

Suddenly, BILL NIGHY and his team of humorous-looking fish pirates special effect their way onto the screen.

BILL NIGHY
We had a deal, Johnny Depp! Now you owe me your soul!

JOHNNY DEPP
Luckily for me, I'm well on my way to finding your buried chest, which contains your beating heart. With it, I can control you.

BILL NIGHY
Seems like the kind of thing you'd start looking to acquire earlier than 2 days before you have to become my slave.

JOHNNY DEPP
Well, why not take Orlando Bloom while I continue looking for three more days? Surely I'll be able to find it within 3 days, despite having not found it for years.

BILL takes ORLANDO, who then bonds awkwardly with his fish of a father. ORLANDO challenges BILL NIGHY to a game, wagering the key to the chest that JOHNNY is looking for.

BILL NIGHY
Hmm. 4 sixes. Should I put that in my "four of a kind" or my "sixes"... I don't want to miss my bonus.

ORLANDO BLOOM
1, 2, 3, 5, 6. ****! I guess I'll put it in my "chance".

BILL NIGHY
Ha! You lose, Orlando. And now you'll never get this key, which I keep right here under my tentacles at all times!

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Why did you do that, Orlando? Now you have to be his slave!

ORLANDO BLOOM
Nah, it was all just a ploy to find out where he keeps the key that unlocks the chest.

STELLAN SKARRRRSGARRRRD
Er, you mean you didn't just guess he kept it right where he does? I think it's pretty obvious he'd keep it on him, what with it being his only weakness.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Am I being lectured by a guy wearing a ****ing starfish?

ORLANDO goes and takes the key while BILL is asleep, because BILL had no reason to suspect it might be stolen after he needlessly brandished it about during the game.

INT. SOME RANDOM BOAT

ORLANDO suddenly finds himself on a boat with a bunch of non pirates.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Er, how the hell did I get here?

Suddenly, the boat is attacked by CGI TENTACLES. Everyone on the ship is killed except ORLANDO, who makes his way back to BILL'S SHIP.

ORLANDO BLOOM
It's a good thing I just got a whole bunch of innocent sailors killed for absolutely no reason.

Suddenly, the ship dives into the water, which ORLANDO can survive, apparently.

Meanwhile...

EXT. SOME ISLAND

JOHNNY, KEIRA, and THAT ******* COMMODORE FROM THE LAST MOVIE find THE CHEST.

JOHNNY DEPP
We've found the buried chest!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
We've also found a buried awkward romantic subplot that has no place in the film!

******* COMMODORE
So why did we come after the chest, knowing full well that we can't open it without the key we don't have?

ORLANDO, apparently not dead, arrives.

ORLANDO BLOOM
I have the key, conveniently.

They fight over the chest. Then they fight some more. Then they fight on the sand. Then they fight on a castle. Then they fight on a wheel. Finally, they stop. ******* COMMODORE gets BILL'S HEART.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Oh no! We've failed to secure the heart, making the past two and a half hours totally unsatisfying!

JOHNNY DEPP
To make matters worse, the film is only half over, because it's a two parter, with the second part to be released next summer.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Really? How can a movie about a bunch of ****ing pirates take itself this seriously?

JOHNNY DEPP
Hey, it worked for The Matrix.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY
Actually, no it didn't.

END SORT OF

....not the same as ours. r's r better

lol i know they kinda bashed it but its funny 🙂 where did t maria and willofthewisp go???

I'll add a big scene tomorrow! Promise!