Jones: You are neither dead nor dying . What is your purpose here?
Translation: Backstreet boys auditions are NEXT week.
Will: Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt.
Translation: Okay, Im getting this freaky vibe that Johnny wanted me out of the film to make his part seem better…
Jones: What is your purpose here?
Translation: I’m sorry, I cant remember my line because I was laughing so hard. Poor sod thinks he competition for THE Johnny Depp.
Will: Jack Sparrow sent me to settle his debt
Translation: Apparently you have a key I need to get Elizabeth out of the prison I built myself and know how to break down.
Jones: Did he now? I’m sorely tempted to accept that offer.
Translation: and I charge a 50% interest, which usually adds up to either your firstborn or some steamy Jack loving.
Jones teleports to the Pearl.
Translation: Look, I’m like Obi-Wan except fishy!
Jack: Oh.
Translation: There’s a reason I never became a doctor. Slimy body parts freak me out.
Jones: You have a debt to pay. You’ve been Captain of the Black Pearl for thirteen years.
Translation: Did you know the CGI base for my skin was a stained Styrofoam coffee cup?
Jack: Technically, I was only captain for two years, and then I was viciously mutinied upon.
Translation: And poor old Jack has spent his days shacking up with Tortuga wenches and chasing Governor’s daughters ever since.
Jones: Then you were a poor captain but a captain nonetheless. Have you not introduced yourself all these years as Captain Jack Sparrow?
Translation: Wait a sec, chasing Governor’s daughters? Haven’t caught any yet?
Jack: You have my payment. One soul to serve on your ship is already over there.
Translation: It’s only a matter of time, my friend. Once an awkward family subplot has been introduced for the whelp, the Jackster will make his move.
Jones: One soul is not equal to another.
Translation: Did you just say “The Jackster”?
Jack: Aha! So we’ve established my proposal is sound in principle, now we’re just haggling over price.
Translation: Here’s a plan. I won’t ever tell you how I slept with your true love and she said I was the best she’d ever had, and we’ll call it even. Savvy?
Jones: Price?
Translation: You wanna run that by me again?
Jack: Just how much do you think my soul is worth?
Translation: maybe 1 billion dollars? Naw, that’s only when I’m paired with a saucy lady.
Jones: One hundred souls, three days.
Translation: oh please Jack, this job got you a private island, a private jet, and an action figure.
Jack: You’re a diamond, mate. Send me back the boy, I’ll get started right off.
Translation: Diamond, twisted metal, whatever. Send me back the whelp so he can hold the fan for my dramatic hair-blowing shot.
Jones: I keep the boy. A good faith payment. That leaves you only 99 more to go.
Translation: 99 drunken wenches on the wall, 99 drunken wenches… you take one down, and pass it around, 98 drunken wenches on the wall…
Jack: Have you not met Will turner? He’s noble, heroic, terrific soprano. Worth at least four… maybe three and half. And did I happen to mention, he’s in love. With a girl. Due to be married. Betrothed. Dividing him from her and her from him would only be half as cruel as actually allowing them to be joined in holy matrimony.
Translation: I wouldn’t call Will a drunken wench. Though he does a great Judy Garland impression. And when he and Liz get divorced, I hear Liz gets to keep the donkey.
Jones: I keep the boy, ninety nine souls.
Translation: Okay Jack, did you really think opening the gaping hole in my heart and pouring lemon juice in was the best way to negotiate?
Jones grabs Jack’s hand and takes away the black spot.
Translation: I’m sorry. I can’t translate this. Everything I think of is totally wrong…
Jack: Mr. Gibbs…
Translation: I want my mommy!
Gibbs: Aye.
Translation: Do you want me to bring you your teddy bear?
Jack: I feel sullied and unusual.
Translation: I need to spend time with a wholesome virgin.
Gibbs: And how do you intend to harvest these ninety nine souls in three days?
Translation: Because I know you’re good, but no one is that fertile or that fast, Jack.
Jack: Fortunately, he was mum as to the condition in which these souls need be.
Translation: You have seriously underestimated my baby-making capabilities, mate.
Gibbs: Ah, Tortuga!
Translation: Ah, Tortuga!
Jack: Tortuga.
Translation: Scarlett, Giselle, and a virgin searching for her husband lost at sea…
[Jack looks at his hand, it's covered with slime, but the black
spot disappears under the effect of the slime]
JACK SPARROW
Oh, Mr. Gibbs.
Translation: Icky!
GIBBS
Aye.
Translation: If you want me to touch that, you got another thing coming
JACK SPARROW
Uh, I feel sullied and unusual.
Translation: If I had a nickel for every time I said that...never mind. I'll pay you to eat this stuff.
GIBBS
And how do you intend to harvest these
ninety-nine souls in three days?
Translation: We could start a Jack cult.
JACK SPARROW
Fortunately, he was mum as the condition
in which these souls need be.
Translation: A Jack cult already exists and none have died for me. Therefore, I suggest corpses. He'll never know the difference.
GIBBS
Ah... Tortuga!
Translation: You mean he'll never know the difference between a corpse and young Will.
JACK SPARROW
Tortuga.
Translation: ha ha ha ha! That was so funny! I like you, you know that? I really like you.
Originally posted by willofthewispwho did he play in Love Actually? i never noticed him. lol every time someone mentions Gizelle, i think of the OGC!
LOL! All of that was so perfect, so funny! I especially love the "take one down and pass it around." Davy's such a good organist, he should take up singing, just like he did in Love Actually. Spot on, Kate. That was great.
ELIZABETH SWANN
Captain Sparrow!
Translation: Finally! Just when I thought I'd had it with rum-soaked pirates. Wait a second...
JACK SPARROW
Come to join me crew, lad? Welcome aboard.
Translation: That's one more for the taking. heh heh heh. The good die young
ELIZABETH SWANN
I'm here to find the man I love.
Translation: And if you think that's this sorry sack behind me, you're more rum-soaked than I pegged you for.
JACK SPARROW
I'm deeply flattered, son, but my first
and only love is the sea.
Translation: Maybe that was a little insensitive. I knew I should have paid attention to that after school special.
[Norrington vomits over the side]
ELIZABETH SWANN
Meaning William Turner, Captain Sparrow.
Translation: A gay joke? Is that how rum-soaked you've gotten now? You used to be so funny.
JACK SPARROW
Elizabeth. Hide the rum.
Translation: Shit.
[Gibbs takes the bottle that Jack hands to him, and walks up
the boarding plank in the background]
JACK SPARROW
You know, these clothes do not flatter
you at all. It should be a dress or
nothing. I happen to have no dress in
my cabin.
Translation: No, I mean it. Let's go f*ck.
ELIZABETH SWANN
Jack. I know Will came to find you.
Where is he?
Translation: Let's not introduce the conflict now. Let the audience dream a little while longer. THEN we'll start flirting.
JACK SPARROW
Darling, I am truly unhappy to have
to tell you this but... through an unfortunate
and *entirely* unforeseeable series
of circumstances that have nothing whatsoever
to do with me, poor William has been
press-ganged into Davy Jones' crew.
Translation: Oh! And then this huge storm came and a mighty wave blew and the ship capsized and everyone thought George Clooney was going to make it, but the story started centering more on Mark Wahlberg. It's all Will's fault!
ELIZABETH SWANN
Davy Jones?
Translation: George Clooney?
[Norrington vomits over the side, then spits]
NORRINGTON
Oh, please. The captain of the Flying
Dutchman.
Translation: Get your stories straight! I've had it with all this crap!
JACK SPARROW
You look bloody awful. What are you
doing here?
Translation: And I've had it with your schizophrenic character development. Choose a side already! And get away from her.
NORRINGTON
You *hired* me. I can't help it if your
standards are lax.
Translation: Get away from her? Oh, you mean to say that since I proposed to her first before anyone even knew she was alive, I should be the one to back off?
JACK SPARROW
You *smell* funny.
Translation: Yeah.
ELIZABETH SWANN
Jack. All I want is to find Will.
Translation: I said we should put the conflict later. This is plot.
JACK SPARROW
Are you certain? Is that what you really
want most?
Translation: Plot? Psh, you can go have fun with that. I'm going to drink the last of the rum before you polish it off.
ELIZABETH SWANN
'Course.
Translation: Damn, I'm so spellbound I can't speak in complete sentences.
JACK SPARROW
Because I would think, you'd want to
find a way to *save* Will the most.
Translation: But then, no one wants that most. ha ha ha.
ELIZABETH SWANN
And you have a way of doing that?
Translation: Well, it's better than hanging out with Dad, you know? At least Will gives me weapons.
JACK SPARROW
Well, there is a chest...
Translation: Yes, a particular chest (eyes drift downward)
NORRINGTON
Oh, dear.
Translation: And you're looking at her cleavage when you're not supposed to even suggest you like her until the Curiosity scene
JACK SPARROW
A chest of unknown size and origin.
Translation: Quiet, you! This chest is definitely an A-cup, but pretty easy on the eyes all the same.
[Pintel & Ragetti walk by, together carrying a crate of bottles,
and overhearing the conversation]
PINTEL
What contains the still-beating heart
o' Davy Jones.
Translation: I love being the comic relief.
RAGETTI
Unh-unh... unh-unh... unh-unh...
Translation: I don't. Why can't I ever play the straight man? I'm always the more bufoony of the bufoons.
JACK SPARROW
And whoever possesses that chest possesses
the leverage to command Jones to do
whatever it is he or she wants, including...
saving brave William from his grim fate.
Translation: Can you tell I'm bored? I hate plot! I want to go drink.
NORRINGTON
You don't actually believe him, do you?
Translation: You and me both. She hit me with a bottle!
ELIZABETH SWANN
How do we find it?
Translation: Just a little more and then we can all drink
JACK SPARROW
With this. My Compass... is unique.
Translation: Much like your chest
NORRINGTON
"Unique" here having the meaning of
broken.
Translation: Yep. There is no need for innuendo here. You know what I'm saying.
JACK SPARROW
True enough. This Compass does not point
north.
Translation: It works better than yours ever will.
[Norrington vomits over the side]
ELIZABETH SWANN
Where does it point?
Translation: Please point to a China Buffet...
JACK SPARROW
It points to the thing you want most
in this world.
Translation: And that's me, baby
ELIZABETH SWANN
Oh Jack! Are you telling the truth?
Translation: Well, I am really craving some dumplings and lo mein, so you're about tied.
JACK SPARROW
Every word, love. And what you want
most in this world is to find the chest
of Davy Jones, is it not?
Translation: Tell you what. You just hold this, prove to me you don't want me, and I'll stuff you with so many dumplings and lo mein you won't be hungry an hour later like everyone is when they eat Chinese food.
ELIZABETH SWANN
To save Will?
Translation: Okay, I can do that.
JACK SPARROW
By finding the chest of Davy Jones.
Translation: You wish.
The curiosity scene (or the best i could manage at 1am lol)
[Elizabeth is sitting on some steps on deck of the Black Pearl]
Translation: oh...woe is me....again...
[Jack walks over to her, holding a bottle of rum]
Translation: Jack+Rum = A Guaranteed good time!!
Jack Sparrow: My tremendous intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.
Translation: My tremendous intuitive sense of the female hormone informs me that you are having impure and highly-smutty fantasies about yours truly!
Elizabeth Swann: I just thought I'd be married by now. I'm so ready to be married.
Translation: In otherwords, i would rather have it off with a wellington boot than have more sword-fights with my officiall Eunich fiancee...
[Jack offers Elizabeth a drink from his bottle]
Translation: Just as i thought...she really does need to drown her sorrows...
Jack Sparrow: You know... [clears throat] Lizzy... I am... captain of a ship. And being captain of a ship, I could in fact perform a... marriage. Right here. Right on this deck. Right... now!
Translation: You know...[clears throat] Schnuckums... i am captain of a very small dingey disguised as the black pearl...and being captain of a very small dingey, i could infact perform a...[insert X rated thought here] ....right here. Right on this deck....right now.
[Elizabeth recoils at Jack's breath on the word "now"]
Translation: OH! MR DARCY!
Elizabeth Swann: No, thank you.
Translation: HA! Who am i kidding! ... Touch me once more with your disgustingly dirty fingers and i may have to throw you madly and snog the life out of you against the mast pole!...which would coincidently foreshadow your death later on in the film....funny old world, innit...
Jack Sparrow: Why not? We are very much alike, you and I. I and you. Us.
Translation: You should know by now a man will say anything to get a half decent woman into his bedroom...
Elizabeth Swann: Oh. Except for a sense of honor, and decency and-and a moral center. And personal hygiene.
Translation: Hey im all for it!...but my dad has the key to my chastity belt...
[Jack smells his armpits]
Translation: Nope...the smell aint coming from here...although i am down wind of her so maybe...
Jack Sparrow: Trifles. You will come over to my side, I know it. Translation: Well i dont know it...but just because ive said it you have to do it so ner ner!
Elizabeth Swann: You seem very certain.
Translation: Damn that film foreshadowing!
Jack Sparrow: One word love: curiosity. You long for freedom. You long to do what you want to do because you want it. To act on selfish impulse. You want to see what it's like. One day, you won't be able to resist.
Translation: And i think ive just converted about 2 Billion people into jack/liz shippers with that line...
Elizabeth Swann: Why doesn't your Compass work?
Translation: I bloody well hope so! ...a woman has needs! Whats the point in playing with the sword if the eunich wont let you use it?!
Jack Sparrow: Uh my Compass works fine. [Jack looks down at the cannon between his legs, the music resumes]
Translation: Among other things....no wonder the women flock to me..me and my gigantic brain....
Elizabeth Swann: Because you and I *are* alike, and there will come a moment when you have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.
Translation: What am i saying? jack only does the right thing when it suits him...damn that sinister attraction!
Jack Sparrow: I *love* those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.
Translation: The only thing i do right is my talents in the bedroom...
Elizabeth Swann: You'll have the chance to do something... something courageous. And when you do, you'll discover something: that you're a good man.
Translation: Stop tempting me, you irresistable piece of man-meat!!!
Jack Sparrow: All evidence to the contrary.
Translation: Man-meat? what are you, a cannibal?
Elizabeth Swann: I have faith in you. Want to know why?
Translation: I'll be whatever you want me to be...
Jack Sparrow: Do tell, dearie.
Translation: Oh goodie because i have a spongebob fetish...you know sqidward, right?...
Elizabeth Swann: Curiosity. You're going to want it. A chance to be admired. And gain the rewards that follow. You won't be able to resist. You're going to want to know... what it tastes like.
Translation: Lets throw caution to the wind and snuggle! Go on, im feeling naughty!!
Jack Sparrow: I *do* want to know what it tastes like.
Translation: Youve been spending too much time with the whelp...
Elizabeth Swann: But - seeing as you're a good man I know you will *never* put me in a position that would compromise my honor.
Translation: Tell me about it...theres only so many times you can weild a sword in one day and not fall asleep...
[Jack stares in horror as the black spot boils back into view on his hand, Elizabeth doesn't notice]
Translation: ah damnit, look what showsp at the most inappropriate time!!...the poor audience! They want their nookie!!
Elizabeth Swann: I'm proud of you, Jack.
Translation: are you a man or a eunich?! KISS ME!
Gibbs: Land ho!
Translation: If i aint gettin any, then no one is!!
Jack Sparrow: I want my jar of dirt.
Translation:If i had a dollar for everytime that bloody spot interrupted my wooing techniches....well...i would 3 dollars up...but the first one didnt count because i didnt know it was infact a man....