A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if
I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly
embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and
said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a
man is thinking. guess you felt embarrassed, right?
The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE
NIGHT? . . .THAT 'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I
know how to screw people"
Sven was turning 78 and was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
The doctor said, "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Sven returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Sven nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that damn skipping!"
A man had just finished another argument with his wife, and to cool off he was hiding in the attic going thru some old junk. He found a magic lamp and a genie popped out of it. The Genie told him that he would grant him 3 wishes but what ever he wished for his wife would get double of it.
The Man wished for a new car. One magically appeared and so didi 2 new ones for his wife right next to it.
Next the man wished for a Mansion to live in. The house changed into a mansion, and 2 other mansions for his wife appeared across the street.
Its your 3rd and final wish The Genie said. What do you want now.
The Man said. I want you to beat me half to death.
A woman enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our selection on the wall." She says "I'll take that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
Q. What do you call a 27 year old redneck girl?
A. Granny.
Q. There are two redneck girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman
A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Can I help you boys?" "Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven." Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don't think so. You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don't let people like that in here. But I'll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now. If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in." Peter sends them away laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven. About 10 minutes later the priest shows back up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "No way! Satan let you come back?" "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for $20 bucks each we could get out of Hell." "Well, where is that rabbi?" "I don't know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95."