The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo sh-t. It means someone stole the tent."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left
The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"And did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,"but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said the old lady. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money!' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.
'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning.’
Ah, Joe Pesci...
...not a great link, but insightful!
Yeah it was based off of a story Pesci told at rehearsal.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was filled, the cow kicked it down with her left foot so I tied up her left foot to a pole."
"I began to fill up the bucket again and she kicked it down with her right foot, so I tied her right to a pole too."
"As soon as I finished milking her again she knocked down the bucket with her tail and I took off my belt and tied up her tail with my belt."
"As I was tying up her tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just