Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him ' Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Bob got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’
‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’
‘How much do you charge?
‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.’
‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.
‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’
‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’
‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain’t nobody under there now !!!’
The other day Joe, just recently retired, was downtown doing some shopping for an upcoming party. As he was walking out of the store, towards the street, A meter maid was already in the process of writing tickets for the just recently expired parking meter.
“Oh come on, can’t a guy catch a break” Joe yells at the mater maid.
Without saying a word, she writes another ticket, this time for the bald tires.
WHAT, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F*@#ING KIDDING ME! Joe screamed.
This exchange went on for a while, as the tickets piled up under the windshield wiper. After the meter maid ran out of tickets, Joe thanked her for doing her job so well. He then looked down at the “Hillary in 08” sticker on the back of the car and though to himself, “it is so nice being retired, especially when you use your free bus pass when you come into downtown!”
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his nine year old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy said, "Yes"
"Do you understand what matters, is, that we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy said, "Yes."
The coach continues,"And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb jackass, is it?".
The little boy said, "No".
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".
Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un start a nuclear war and die at the same time. They are greeted at the gates of hell by the Devil, who explains that they can make one final call, but such calls may be VERY expensive. Since they are rich and can't take it with them, all three agree. Putin calls Russia and talks for five minutes; the charge is one million dollars. Jong-Un calls North Korea and talks for ten minutes; the cost is two million dollars. Trump calls his family and talks bigly for hours, but the cost is only five bucks. A seething Putin asks why Trump got off so cheap. The Devil replies: "Since he took over the US has gone to hell, so it's a local call!"
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up" He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Top ten list of things to say when caught sleeping at your desk.
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken...."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot...."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk....
Raise your head from the desk and say "... in Jesus' name Amen.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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I went to a seafood disco rave last week....and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.