When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, the Blonde."
She then pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
Names celebrities have given their kids:
Bono & Alison: Jordan & Memphis Eve (girls)
Pierce Brosnan & Keely Shaye Smith: Paris Beckett (girl)
Victoria Adams (Posh Spice) & David Beckham (is it Beckham or Beckam?): Brooklyn Joseph (boy) Romeo (boy)
Woody Allen & Mia Farrow: Satchel (boy)
Melanie Griffith & Don Johnson: Dakota Mayi (girl)
Mel B (Scary Spice) & Jimmy Gulzar: Phoenix Chi (girl)
Michael Hutchence & Paula Yates: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily (girl)
Bob Geldof & Paula Yates: Fifi Trixiebelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, Little Pixie (girls)
Frank Zappa: Moon Unit, Diva (girls), Dweezil & Ahmet Emuukha Rodan (boys)
Some years ago, a sultan who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him American Airlines. Just before his son's seventh birthday,the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like aboat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Liverpool F.C!