Answering Machine Messages
~ Answering machine messages ~
1. Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
2. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."
3. Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
4. Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
5. (With loud music playing in the background) "Hello... HELLO?? I can't hear you! What? Oh.. we're not home, leave a message.
6. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape. (For you "older" readers, doesn't this remind you of Burma Shave Sings?)
7. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
more Phoe logic:
share food around - that way, you all get the same amount of calories, and nobody will gain anymore weight than each other!
things licked off spoons while cooking dont count
broken biscuits dont count
drinking water is healthy. therefore, drink water with your choccy and ur being healthy!
things eaten while excercising dont count. Nb excersise counts as any movement.
eating something someone offers you doesnt count
8. "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
9. We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
10. Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.
On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word,'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. ("com-for-da-bul"😉.
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT SHE ...........
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
7. Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
8. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
9. Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
10. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
11. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
12. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
And in the interest of fairness:
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.
WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown bagging it.
WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?>
No one else wants it.
WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES
Invisible.
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
'Has the blonde left yet?'
WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage.
WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.
Here's one I heard at work the other day, its a little naughty so you have been warned.......
This chap takes his wife to the doctors cus she's very ill. The doctor takes her away and comes back to see the husband some time later.
"Its a tough one sir, we're not entirely sure whats wrong with her but we've narrowed it down to be either Alzheimer’s or Aids", the doctor says.
"Well what should I do now?", asked the worried husband.
"I tell you what", said the doctor, "rather than take her yourself, drop your wife at the bus stop. If she finds her own way home, for gods sake don't sleep with her".