The differences between men and women...
Women have more imagination than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
Women have their faults. Men have only two. Everything they say. Everything they do.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.
When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinions, she's a b--ch.
Women are the only exploited group in history who have been idealized into powerlessness.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
Most men's primary fantasy is still, unfortunately, access to a number of beautiful women. For a man, commitment means giving up this fantasy. Most women's primary fantasy is a relationship with one man who either provides economic security or is on his way to doing so (he has "potential"😉. For a woman, commitment to this type of man means achieving this fantasy. So commitment often means that a woman achieves her primary fantasy, while a man gives his up.
It's not true that men prefer foolish women. Rather they prefer women who can simulate foolishness whenever necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
After a long battle with a terminal illness, Emily Sue passes away, and her husband, Bubba, calls 911. The operator tells Bubba that she will send over an ambulance right away.
“Where do you live?” asks the operator.
“At the end of Eucalyptus Drive,” replies Bubba.
“Can you spell that for me?”
There is a long pause and finally Bubba says, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?”
3 women work at an office. their boss always leaves about an hour early, leaving them to finish. one day, one of the women says, about 2 minutes after the boss has left, why dont we leave early today? she'll never know...
they agree, and they all go home. the first two have a great time, real relaxing. the third, who, incidently, is blonde, came home to find her husband in bed with her boss. she sneaks out, and arrives back at normal time. the next day, the other two sugest they sneak out again, but the blonde says "no way! i almost got caught!"
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: On landing, the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
--------------
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft."
--------------
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
--------------
"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
--------------
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
--------------
Some more:Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
--------------
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax--S%%%! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
--------------
Heard on the last flight of the day from Auckland to Wellington - the flight attendant came on the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen - on behalf of Captain James T Kirk and First officer Spock welcome on this flight to Wellington"
Little Known Chocolate Tidbits...
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!