An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"
"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to a motel."
A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "He was following you."
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The 7 degrees of blondness:
1st Degree:
A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment, and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."
2nd Degree:
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
She hands it to the second blonde.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
3rd Degree:
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
4th Degree:
A blonde brags about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."
5th Degree:
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
6th Degree:
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch.
"Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"
"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car,
"There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."
7th Degree:
Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
A plane is on its way to Sydney when a blonde
in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and
sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful
I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot
that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in
Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the
blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and
return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm
staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't
listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll
handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde'!" He goes back to the
blonde, whispers in her ear,and she says "Oh, I'm sorry". .. gets up and
moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed
and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Sydney."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''